Let's turn it around

Last Monday. Yet another rainy summer morning in Germany. To start the week with a good dose of positivity I decided to go online and read the news – what a great decision! Next financial crisis on the doorstep, with a nice double dip straight back into recession. Riots in London, Syria on the edge of civil war, famine in Africa. The resources of the world shrinking, pollution rising, the gap between rich and poor widening – all with lightening speed. I have to say, the week looked promising for someone like me who enjoys real life drama. But the highlight was yet to come...

After clicking quickly through the main headlines I slowed down to read a report about food. Or more precisely, the waste of food. What a lovely and encouraging article! It said that, globally, one third of all food is thrown away. That's right, somewhere between producer and consumer ONE THIRD of all food is being wasted. One problem is storage and distribution – we claim to be able to store nuclear waste safely and DHL delivers whatever we want to any corner of the world, but precious food is lost because we can't store and deliver it properly? Sounds strange.
Anyway, at the consumer end, apart from buying constantly more than we need, one of the main problems that was pointed out was that the sell-by date was making people throw stuff away unnecessarily. If it says on the packet that the yoghurt will expire today, surely I'd die if I ate it tomorrow. Fortunately there is hope on the horizon – new packaging is designed this very moment that will have integrated microchips indicating us through colour changes in the lid what is actually consumable, and what not. Microchips? In yoghurt packaging? What about getting rid off those stupid plastic cups and going back to using good old glass jars, those you can open and close to check the inside yourself? No. It's much better to come up with a really advanced and clever solution – microchips!

It was then that I decided that the world is already screwed beyond repair. I mean seriously, what's the point? Albert Einstein once said that “two things are infinite – the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe...” I think he was right. So rather than going on to try and make the world a better place, fuck it, let's get it over and done with as quickly as somehow possible. The good thing is that we don't even need to change much because all we have to do is to continue doing the stuff we do anyway. Just more of it.

Here are some simple and hopefully helpful suggestions:

1. Buy the cheapest possible food (for example at Lidl and Aldi). This way you make sure that all small farmers will go bankrupt or commit suicide and all food production will be in the hands of a few multi-nationals who can then feed us artificially cultivated crap, ideally genetically modified. Looking at your personal health, especially be aware of buying organic food since this will only prolong the experience on planet Earth unnecessarily.

2. If you buy fresh food, make sure that it comes from the furthest place away so that lots of extra petrol is needed for transport. Remember, the more oil we burn the sooner we leave this hell house.

3. Get free plastic bags whenever you can and throw them away immediately.

4. Get a new phone each year and get rid off your old one, and if you can afford it do the same with your television, computer, ipod, car, washing machine and hair dryer. We need to get these landfills as quickly as full as possible.

5. Drink only bottled water, if possible from one-way plastic bottles. In Germany they have this silly system where you pay deposit and recycle all bottles, even cans. It's a real threat to global pollution.

6. Buy your clothes only in places like H&M, Zara, Decathlon or even better in mega bargain Chinese shops. This way millions of Asian factory workers will die either through intoxication, poverty or suicide. What a great favour you'd do them! Additionally, you will contribute to some very few rich fuckers getting even richer, thus enabling them to spend billions on convincing us to buy even more stuff.

7. As a general rule, consume as much as you can. The economy needs to grow, grow, grow before it can explode. Promote widespread Ikea-sation – that is, buying lots of stuff nobody needs, all dirt cheap and made from non-sustainable sources. If you don't shop until you drop you may be held responsible for delaying the death of human society.

8. Watch more television – reading threatens stupidity.

9. Leave all lights and electrical devices on, always! We gotta use up all these non-renewable energy sources.

10. Make sure your electricity provider uses nuclear energy. The more nuclear power plants there are, the more chances we have of speeding up our self-destruction.

11. Next time you need a haircut, why not fly to a stylish hairdresser in Milan – don't be shy, you deserve it and the planet will love that extra bit of unnecessary pollution.

12. Trash your bicycle and be nasty to cyclists – pinch their wheels and run them over with your SUV. If you don't have a SUV, run them over with whatever vehicle you got.

13. Print out every email and everything you read online, and pick up every free paper and flyer that you come across – these bloody trees need to go, otherwise we'll be here forever.

14. If you have any savings, ask your bank how many weapon companies they invest in. In case it's not a high enough percentage, change your bank. More wars is what we want.

15. Vote politicians who make stupid decisions. Imagine if some clever person gained power, that would be seriously endangering our mission.

16. Finally, don't believe you alone can't make a difference. Every single brainless action helps! And be reminded that it's much easier to destroy than to create, so we have a clear advantage over all those eco freaks.

We don't want the world to change. We want it to end!